Girl Time

Dustin took the boys to a demolition derby tonight. While they were doing "boy stuff, " we girls had a night of fun of our own. We ventured over to Jungle Jim's Playland for a night of fun.

It had been a long time since we had been there, at least 3 years. Grace informed me that the rides were smaller and slower. I tried to remind her how much she has grown. Kate and Becca loved it. Grace too, once she decided to quit complaining and just have fun.

Their favorite ride was The Amazon. It is an indoor roller coaster that goes in circles, but really fast. They rode it over and over! They also really loved the bumper cars. It was nice to be able to sit on a bench and just watch them run. The building wasn't very busy and they hopped from ride to ride while I just sat.

The last ride of the night was a spinning ride. The ride operator was having fun spinning my girls as fast as he could. I was quite impressed with their tolerance for spinning. I get motion sickness so easily. Becca got off for a break looking rather green I asked her not to go on the ride again. Somehow I missed her getting back in line. She came back complaining her belly hurt. "Are you going to throw up?" I pointed her to the nearest trashcan. She made it just in time!

As she was walking away, she hurried to the trash once more. She almost made it. Some ended up in my purse that was on the ground because I was helping her the first time, the rest on the floor. Darnit!. Luckily, anything of value in my purse spilled onto the floor. 

It was almost a perfect night. Next time, I think we'll skip the spinny- ride. The girls agreed.

God is Good

  I have been selfish and concentrating on the fact that I feel awful and I'm tired all the time. A tired that I never knew existed! Yes, I have still been moaning about being pregnant. 

That all changed today. I had a wonderful Sabbath day! Although, it didn't start that way.

 My day started with crazy pregnant dreams. I am  still dreaming of not being able to care for this addition to our family. They are creepy dreams. I always seem to forget that I had a baby. I don't feed it, change it. This time I let it squirm off the bed. My fears are to blame. Hopefully as they subside, so will the wacky dreams.

My day turned for me while in Sacrament meeting. A brother and sister from Venezuela talked today. Their accents are quite heavy, so you have to pay close attention. I'm so grateful for the Spirit they brought. They spoke of mercy and the love of God. Both based their talks off of talks from the April 2012 General Conference. You can read hers here. And his here.  My spirit was fed to capacity. Dustin looked over at me and asked, "Why are you crying?"

I simply shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know." But I did know.

My days, lately, have been self-centered and ungrateful. I have been a bear to my husband and also my children. No mercy given, but much received- I am blessed with great kids and a wonderful husband. All have been kind to understand and recognize the way I've been feeling.

Gratitude has been absent. Of that, I'm ashamed. Look at all I've been given!! How could I let my bad attitude and narrow vision sour such a miracle?! 

My God has given me everything I have. He has given me each moment of joy and lets me experience sorrow, so I can appreciate it. He is the Master of my very own plan and I wouldn't have it any other way.

-Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." Mosiah 4:9

The Shock Felt 'Round the World

Okay, maybe not around the world, but in OUR world.

I found out the day after I registered for school. 

If I can be honest, I wasn't very happy. There I said it. I know that is almost a sin in my Mormon culture. I hope nobody judges me too harshly. And after my 1st miscarriage, I promised I would welcome any baby that was placed in our home. But this was hard!! 

I feel guilty for feeling this way. Almost everyone who has found out has said, "Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!" They are so excited. I feel I must meet their excitement, but I fall short. Then we are left with that brief awkward silence. Then I feel the need to explain:

   "You see, my last baby almost did me in, mentally. I had a rough time after Becca. With 5, I feel stretched to my max, and the thought of adding another to the chaos is just plain overwhelming. I was ready to move on to the next stage of life. I had just signed up for school. Now what am I supposed to do?"

The answer? Just have a baby. You'll be fine. It will all work out.

The problem? I know all this. It's just that I don't want to accept it yet. I know eventually I will. But right now I'm grieving "my plan." I will embrace "His plan."

I just need time.