Okay, maybe not around the world, but in OUR world.
I found out the day after I registered for school.
If I can be honest, I wasn't very happy. There I said it. I know that is almost a sin in my Mormon culture. I hope nobody judges me too harshly. And after my 1st miscarriage, I promised I would welcome any baby that was placed in our home. But this was hard!!
I feel guilty for feeling this way. Almost everyone who has found out has said, "Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!" They are so excited. I feel I must meet their excitement, but I fall short. Then we are left with that brief awkward silence. Then I feel the need to explain:
"You see, my last baby almost did me in, mentally. I had a rough time after Becca. With 5, I feel stretched to my max, and the thought of adding another to the chaos is just plain overwhelming. I was ready to move on to the next stage of life. I had just signed up for school. Now what am I supposed to do?"
The answer? Just have a baby. You'll be fine. It will all work out.
The problem? I know all this. It's just that I don't want to accept it yet. I know eventually I will. But right now I'm grieving "my plan." I will embrace "His plan."
I just need time.
I just need time.
3 comments:
Wow!!! Congratulations! That little baby is so lucky to be coming to such a loving, wonderful family. So happy for you!
I can imagine how hard it is to shift your thinking. It's good to be honest about that. It's nice to hear true opinions so that we don't feel like we are the only ones not perfectly excited. :) Having babies is dang hard work huh!? I was just thinking how much help all of the older kids will be for you at least...Hope you are feeling better soon!
News like this is why one shouldn't be separated from the Internet for a week! I have a long story, but this will be brief. I am happy for you, and for the little baby inside of you because I can tell you are a wonderful mother. I'm sorry for your shift in plans. I dealt with the severe heartwrenchingness that can come with that for about 2 years, but I finally feel like I'm on the upswing. And according to your most recent post, you're feeling better, too. I love you.
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