Late Night Thoughts

I always find myself awake late when Dustin is gone. It used to be when he worked graves as a police officer. Tonight, it is because he is traveling for work. I hate feeling lonely at night. You would think I wouldn't. There are 6 other little bodies in this home! During the day I'm fine. I have all my "mother chores" to keep me busy. At night, my mind has a lot of time to wander. And boy does it! 

It's always crazy too. Last night I drifted off to sleep worrying about being alone in the house and thinking of all the things that could happen. It rolled over into my dream. All night I was trying to escape a kidnapper. It was so real and detailed. I woke up telling myself that it would've been an awesome movie! I should have written it all down when it was fresh. I could've been rich!!

I always end up thinking about my life after raising kids. I never get a real chance to do this in the midst of chaos. And letting my mind really wander enough to comprehend and prepare for it starts giving me anxiety. Which is really weird because I really like the thought of having something else in my life that defines me differently. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. In my opinion it is the greatest thing I will ever do. I just like the thought of diapers, laundry and playing referee not consuming all of me. So I find it ironic that the thought of these being minimized freaks me out!!

I end up sifting through old photos, pulling out incomplete scrapbooks and crying A LOT! I look at my babies and they are getting so big! I can't believe it. It went too fast and I wan a do over, but not really...it was hard work the first time and I know it won't be easier the 2nd. That;s the funny thing to me! I really enjoy my kids at the stage they are in (Britten doesn't count. He just entered the stage I hate most). They are fun and active! They are smart and independent-just working on Becca's ability to get her own bowls and cups. They are sweet and caring. I have been blessed with great kids!

Why do I do this? I really don't understand. I don't consider myself scared of change or an anxious person. It's annoying because if I want to plan past being a mom, my emotions take over and I completely shut down! I'm trying to plan my life here!!! It would be nice if I could get some cooperation.