Being Loved, Flaws and All

I don't know what it is about Sundays in our house, but they always seem to go wrong! Maybe it's the 1:00 church. There's more idle time. Anyway, yesterday was one of those days.

 

It started out with a laugh. Dusitn was helping Becca get ready for church after her bath. Becca told him how she was so sad for the little baby turtle that she watched get eaten by a baby herring the night before. We love to watch the Discovery channel and sometimes forget that our little ones might not really understand.

 

 He asked her a simple question. "Honey, who would you rather die, the turtle or the bird?"

He said he saw the dots connect and she smiled and replied, "Oh! It's the circle of life!"

 

This little girl makes us laugh everyday! She is crazy, but in a cute way.

 

After this, it all went down hill.

 

We have been deciding what to do about bedrooms. Normally this is probably not a big issue, but when you have eight people who need to fit in an 1800 sq ft home, you run into problems. Whose going to get their own room? What rooms need to be painted? How can we do this the least expensive way? All these questions! And on top of it all, differing opinions. 

 

I thought we had decided about 2 months ago, but Dustin brought up that he thought we should just put the baby in with Grace and worry about everything later. I didn't like the idea, but I agreed so we would not fight about it. It bothered me most of the morning. He could tell something was wrong and asked.

 

I shared my worries and all of a sudden there was this massive fight with everyone. Everyone was happy with the new plan. Grace was happy she wasn't moving to the basement, the boys were happy they were keeping their own rooms, Dustin wouldn't have to paint any rooms, and Becca and Kate found out they would get new bunk beds. Everyone was happy, but me!

 

When I shared how I felt, every opinion in the house came pouring out. In my household we're pretty opinionated which I don't think is neccessarily a bad thing, but on this day it was. I lost it!! I don't get  emotional often and I seldom lose my cool because many things are not a big deal to me. I was blessed with my father's laid back persoanlity. But all the anxiety I was feeling, all the fear, all the baby homrmones came gushing.

 

My eyes were full of tears. I blurted out, "Who is going to take care of this baby? Me that's who. Whose life will be most affected? Mine! No one seems to care about that. All they care about is where they are sleeping, having to put funiture in odd places, and if they have to share a room!!!" As I'm yelling this, I see my little Kate trying to hold back her tears. Her hands are on her face and I could tell she is wondering what to do. I just run up to my bedroom and shut the door.

 

Later Dsutin came up. He had been talking to the kids. He let me know that they had all come up with a new plan. It happened to be the exact plan I was fighting for in the beginning. My plan made more sense to me. Yes, having your own room  would be sacrificed and furniture would be placed in inconvenient places, but it made more room. The thing that has bugged me about our house for a long time was that I feel claustrophobic. We have no space in this house and I wanted to take full advantage of all the space possible.

 

My husband hugged me as I sobbed in his arms for a while. Then he nicely said, "I think you need to have this baby." We both laughed. Yes. I need to have this baby.

 

When I came home from church, I found a bright red Christmas card on my pillow. I opened it up and it read:

 

Mom, Merry Christmas! I love you.

Love, Kate

 

PS I will help with the baby.

 

I had forgotten that I had scared her. I felt awful, but that feeling was soon replaced with gratitude. I was grateful that my little Kate was able to love me even though I had acted the way I had. She forgave me and gave her love unconditionally. In fact, all my kids had. They gave up what they wanted, so I would be happy. I felt so blessed right at that moment. My family amazes me! They are so wonderful to me even when I may not deserve it!