I Can Do Hard Things...but it's hard!

My goal this year was to Live. I'm really trying. In really trying, I have realized that there are a lot of things in my life I have run away from because they were hard. A small example in my life right now: new ward, new calling, new job( and new side job), and still trying to figure out this baby. There was a point that I was running away from every one of these responsibilities. It was hard to move away from a ward where I knew everybody. I'm in the Primary now and feel like I know only a select few. That can make it hard to feel connected to a ward. Throw in  that I know no one in my neighborhood and won't be getting to know them anytime soon because I now work during the day. And the rest of the day I will spend taking care of my six kids! Not a whole lot of time to socialize! I was feeling so overwhelmed I shut down completely and had a little panic attack! I just couldn't see how I was going to do all of these things!

Nobody likes to feel stretched beyond capacity. It doesn't feel good. I'm starting to realize, however, it may not feel good at the the time, but when you look back and have seen that you are okay, you kind of smile and say, "Wow! I did it!" 

How did I do it? Or how am I doing it?

One step at a time. Dustin and I have always been social people. We don't mind being the first ones to introduce ourselves. We have met a few neighbors and are starting to feel at home. One thing I can check on my list of "Hard Things".

Yesterday, I took the "bull by the horns" in regards to my calling. I decided I could do all of it. I called and got training set up for cub scouts. I emailed everybody I needed to contact. I organized the notebook that I have been neglecting since I got it. I did all of it! And after I did it, I literally smiled and was amazed at myself! It felt so good. I no longer felt like the schmuck that I was beginning to believe that I was. Another check for me!

I may not have everything checked off right now, but I'm getting there. I've decided it's a lot easier to look at one specific thing on my list than the list as a whole. When I was looking at EVERYTHING, my heart seemed to stop and I could actually feel the adrenaline start to pump- craziest feeling ever! Fight or flight would kick in and I usually chose flight. I am not a confrontational person. I keep reminding myself that it's okay that everything is not checked off. The important part is that I keep moving forward. I can't compare myself to others. Yes, some people can sit down and just do what they need to do. For some reason that's not me. But I 'm working on it. By the end of the year I hope to be 100 times better. OK. Who am I kidding? I want to be at least 10 times better!

My Baby is One

I can't believe Britten is one! It seems like it was just yesterday that we were looking at him, in awe that we now had 6 children.

His first year has brought a lot of change to our house. We no longer get to sleep uninterrupted. He loses his binki 3 times at night, at least! Everybody knows when it happens because the kid has a great pair of lungs. We recently installed a gate at the top of our stairs. His favorite thing to do right now is scare us! He knows if he heads toward the stairs a bunch of people will get up and start running. He thinks it's a fun game. Little stinker! He also likes to throw anything down them. I'm sad that I have holes drilled into my banister and marks all along the walls, but I'd be even sadder if he took a tumble!

The first thing people comment on when they see him is his big eyes! The next would be his cute smile and dimples. He's a little charmer and knows exactly what to do when someone notices him.  He grins really big and then blinks his eyes and giggles. He knows how to work it for sure!

One thing he is starting to get good at is jibber-jabber. He is starting to realize the sounds he has been making mean something. It's been super cute to watch. These are things I have forgotten about. It has been really fun to be part of it again. He can say ba-ba, ma-ma, da-da, ball, and he calls his binki "di-di". If you ask him what a dog says, he will "woof". He makes the cutest fishy sounds, too. 

Books are a favorite. He will actually sit still and let you read to him now. When music plays, his shoulders start moving and then his whole body. He loves balls, blankets, and shoes! 

He is getting bigger everyday! He has been walking for about a month and four teeth have broken through! 

I wasn't sure about starting all over again, but I can say it has been the most fun! I have lots of helpers and they love it! I can't wait to see the new things this little man starts doing. We all can't!

Happy 1st Birthday, Britten!!

 

Dress Up

I should have taken pictures, but I didn't. My kids had cousins over and they were all playing dress up. It's been a while since any of my kids have taken out their dress up bag. Yes. I still have one. Every house needs dress up clothes. I love dress up clothes! When else can a girl feel like a true princess? A fairy? Or in our case today, Cece from Shake it Up, or Harry Potter?  I guess you can always imagine it, but having a costume sure makes you feel the part.

 

I love that they chose to put down everything technological and  became someone different. I'm beginning to wish we had no TV again, iPods were non-existent, and game consoles would disappear. When your kids are using their brains, you get to see who they really are. Their personalities are so vibrant! Kate has told me that she might wear her Harry Potter robe to school, like she used to. I sure hope so! I loved driving by and being able to pick her out of the children playing on the play ground. It made me chuckle. It made me happy.

Our House Follows a Prophet of God

This post has been in the making for a while...in my head of course. I was hoping to somehow avoid it, but I don't think it's possible anymore. About a month ago, Aaron came home from school wanting to have a conversation with me that I know I never had with my parents. I don't think it's bad that I never had it. I think it wasn't necessary. I think it's necessary now. I'll tell you why, but first, the conversation...

Aaron: Mom, a kid told me today that being gay is a race.

Me: No. Being gay is not a race. It's not something you check when asked what your ethnicity is.

Aaron: That's what I tried to tell him. Then another kid was trying to tell him the same thing. He was trying to tell us that because they don't choose to be gay, it makes it a race. I was trying to tell him you can choose to be gay.

Me: Well.... I personally feel they they don't "choose" to be gay. I think all of us are born with tendencies. I think they are honestly attracted to the same sex. I do feel they choose who they have sex with, just like I do. You have to be careful how you say things, or people are going to think you hate gay people.

Aaron: I don't hate gay people!

Me: I know. I don't either. I know what you were trying to say was that they choose to have sex with someone of the same sex. You can't choose to be black, or white, or Asian. J (nickname), we believe in sin. Some people do not. This boy doesn't believe homosexuality is a sin and that's okay. I'm glad you would stand up for what you believe. I just want you to understand that it's okay that people think differently than you. We don't have to fight about it. 

Aaron: I'm not fighting about it. What he was saying just wasn't true.

We talked about school and then it was done. I'm glad he felt he could come to me with questions. I could tell he was confused and a little upset about it. It was probably the first time he's ever encountered someone believing totally different than he does. I'm proud that the would express his opinion. I remember my first "discussion" with people who believed totally different than me. It was about abortion. I was in the 11th grade. It was scary for two reasons, 1) it was happening in my English class and the teacher was the head of the debate. I had lots of friends in that class. Most of them were not on my side of the debate. 2) I was 1 of 5 who believed it to be wrong while the rest of the class, + the teacher, believed in it. It was a terrifying experience, but also a great learning one. She became one of my favorite teachers. I had a lot of respect for her. She had a lot of respect for me, even though our opinions on many things differed. 

Isn't it okay to believe differently? I always thought it was. But lately, I'm feeling it's probably not a good idea to go around sharing what you believe, especially when it comes to homosexuality. It's such a polar topic! I wish my kids could just steer clear of it until they are older and can understand a little more. I just don't think it's going to happen. It's in the news all of the time. The debate is not going away. I want them to understand where I sit on this topic. This is why I'm writing this.

I believe marriage was designed by God. When He created Adam and Eve, He also married them. This is the pattern He set. This is the pattern He wanted followed. One of the core beliefs in my faith is that we were sent to earth to gain a body. It was one of the greatest gifts we would be given, right along with agency. Agency. There was a war in heaven over it. That's how important it is. Two of His greatest gifts. Who knew that the two would collide? Oh, He did!

 Anyway, how do you gain a body? Through procreation. Who did Our Father in Heaven want to procreate? Everyone. That was His plan. Will everybody get that chance in this life? No. Sometimes we are expected to do hard things. We are promised, however, that if we follow His plan and His commandments, we will be able to procreate for eternity, like Him. Our goal is to be like Him. In order to do that, we have to follow His plan.

I realize not everyone is of my faith. I realize not everyone wants to follow His plan. That being the case, does He change His plan? No. Does He lessen His expectations? No. This earth was created for a purpose and He wants us to use it for His purpose. Our job is to let everyone know what his purposes are. Without judgment and belittling? Absolutely! That's what I feel my church is trying to do.

We have a prophet in our church. We believe He speaks for Christ, who speaks for God. God has used prophets since the world's creation. It's nothing new. Prophets have warned against sin since the beginning. Our church is being deemed bigoted, hateful, and discriminatory. All our prophet is trying to do is let others know how God wants it. He's warning just like Noah did. He's being a prophet. He's fulfilling his calling.

We all have our agency. I will follow my prophet. Why? Because I know it's the right thing to do. If I truly believe He speaks for God, then I would also believe God would want me defending His plan. I can do that without hating anyone. I should be able to share that belief freely. I'm afraid it's getting to the point where I cannot. I hope I'm wrong. I want to believe there are others like me on the "other side" of the argument. If there are, they are not the ones speaking up. Sadly, it's the ugliness on both sides that is getting the attention. Something I hope changes. We could use a good, decent dialogue from both sides. In the meantime, I will teach my children to love and respect all people. It shouldn't matter if we believe differently. We can still be kind, courteous, and even friends!

Ryan is 16!! (I can't believe it)

Ryan turned 16 earlier this month. I asked him if he felt different and he shrugged his shoulders. I guess not. I was so excited to be 16! I wanted to know why he seemed unimpressed. Here was his list: now he has to get a job if he wants to drive (we make our kids pay for their insurance, poor babies), he will now pay taxes, and when he goes on a date, he gets to spend money on other peoples' wives...

WOW!! He sucked the fun out of that! Thanks adults that have been telling my child all of this! Mainly my husband. And a few leaders. I have decided to try to get this kid excited. I'm not sure yet, but I will.

For his birthday, we took him to dinner and gave him his money- that's what they want now a days. Dustin and I filled him in on dating and what we do expect out of him. We want him to treat young ladies with respect and take care of them. We gave him our best advice: open her car door, don't pick you nose, use your best manners, be engaged in conversation, no making out, and so forth. It ended up being a great dinner. Ryan is a good kid!

When we first moved from West Jordan, he was in tears. Now he loves it out here. He has made quite a few friends. He loves the school! He has had straight As, a great improvement for him. He never did terrible in school, but he never put 100% in before. He is now realizing the difference when you do. He is in his 3rd year of French and loving it! He has retained it really well ,even his teacher is impressed. We went and got his learner's permit. he's legal to drive now with an adult. He's been driving all along...oops. The kid knows all the rules on the road! It kind of boggles my mind! I'm corrected often. He loves to play basket ball and football. I'm not sure if he plans to try-out this coming year. We missed football try-outs this year, and he didn't make the basketball team this year. Either way, he's good at both. Utah is competitive! 

I interviewed him. It was fin to hear his answers. A lot I knew, some were new. That's why I do it.

favorite color: green

favorite food: steak

favorite candy bar: Mr Goodbar

favorite animal: rhino (?)

favorite subject in school: Networking Systems

favorite hobby: parkour

favorite book series: Percy Jackson

favorite movie: The Dark Knight Rises

What would you do if you had a million dollars? buy an Xbox 1 and a Mitsubishi Eclipse, then save the rest (glad he's thinking of school)

What do you want to do when you grow up? open my own computer software company

What a good kid! Ryan, we love you and are glad to have you part of our family! I know we embarrass you at times, but you are always willing to claim us!

A New Year, A New Me!

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've been wanting to write it all down, but my current life has made that almost impossible. Our ward split a few months ago and I was called to be the 2nd counselor in the Primary. I love the Primary, but building one from scratch is quite the feat! I'm just glad not to be the President! I have been so busy that I have realized how much I miss being with my family- not having a calling for 6 weeks was like a vacation!! I've been gone more than usual and when I'm home, I'm not really "home" because I have things I've got to get done. It has been exhausting!

Yesterday, Ryan turned 16. We took him to dinner the night before to celebrate. At dinner, I asked him if he had a 5 year plan. He surprised me with one- as vague as it was. But hey, it was a plan! He planned to graduate in 3 years and serve a mission at 18. When he got home, he wanted to get a job to pay for college. Pretty good plan. I was glad there was no mention of marriage- that will come soon enough. I was also surprised to hear that he wanted to go on a mission at 18. We have told him that just because they lowered the age, doesn't mean he has to go at that age. He said he wanted to though.

As we were cutting his cake yesterday, I was overwhelmed that he was as old as he was and that my baby would be 1 in a few more days. Time really does go quickly. It's amazing while you're in the hard moments they seem to drag on, but looking back now, it all went so fast!

I decided I wanted to be more present in the now. It's passing me by and I feel I'm not enjoying it like I should. Life is like that, I know. Maybe there's something I can do about it. We will see.

Not only do I want to be more aware, I want to make it better. Some days I end the day with the thought, "I survived another day." I don't want to survive my days anymore! I want to live them! I want to live them with a purpose...like I used to! I gave myself the year off when I had Britten. That year is gone. I now have a new year before me. I hope that I am able to take the days in this year and truly enjoy them. I want to be the mom I once was.The best thing about a new year is the chance to start over. I'm starting over.

For the past few years I have chosen a word to focus on. This year my word will be:

 Live

I'm going to plan on living. No more surviving, no more enduring, only living. The soul that has been resting for the last little while is awakening. And I'm excited about it! Bring on 2014! I'm ready!