My goal this year was to Live. I'm really trying. In really trying, I have realized that there are a lot of things in my life I have run away from because they were hard. A small example in my life right now: new ward, new calling, new job( and new side job), and still trying to figure out this baby. There was a point that I was running away from every one of these responsibilities. It was hard to move away from a ward where I knew everybody. I'm in the Primary now and feel like I know only a select few. That can make it hard to feel connected to a ward. Throw in that I know no one in my neighborhood and won't be getting to know them anytime soon because I now work during the day. And the rest of the day I will spend taking care of my six kids! Not a whole lot of time to socialize! I was feeling so overwhelmed I shut down completely and had a little panic attack! I just couldn't see how I was going to do all of these things!
Nobody likes to feel stretched beyond capacity. It doesn't feel good. I'm starting to realize, however, it may not feel good at the the time, but when you look back and have seen that you are okay, you kind of smile and say, "Wow! I did it!"
How did I do it? Or how am I doing it?
One step at a time. Dustin and I have always been social people. We don't mind being the first ones to introduce ourselves. We have met a few neighbors and are starting to feel at home. One thing I can check on my list of "Hard Things".
Yesterday, I took the "bull by the horns" in regards to my calling. I decided I could do all of it. I called and got training set up for cub scouts. I emailed everybody I needed to contact. I organized the notebook that I have been neglecting since I got it. I did all of it! And after I did it, I literally smiled and was amazed at myself! It felt so good. I no longer felt like the schmuck that I was beginning to believe that I was. Another check for me!
I may not have everything checked off right now, but I'm getting there. I've decided it's a lot easier to look at one specific thing on my list than the list as a whole. When I was looking at EVERYTHING, my heart seemed to stop and I could actually feel the adrenaline start to pump- craziest feeling ever! Fight or flight would kick in and I usually chose flight. I am not a confrontational person. I keep reminding myself that it's okay that everything is not checked off. The important part is that I keep moving forward. I can't compare myself to others. Yes, some people can sit down and just do what they need to do. For some reason that's not me. But I 'm working on it. By the end of the year I hope to be 100 times better. OK. Who am I kidding? I want to be at least 10 times better!