Emerging from Denial

For the longest time I have been dropping hints to my significant other that I want a baby. For some reason he has ignored them or just flat out told me no. This has always left me a little perturbed. Why? Why can't we have another baby? It's not like it will impact us that much. Once you have three, you can have 12, right?

I realized today I can't have any more kids. Not because I physically can't, but emotionally I think I may not survive. I won't be the mom I want to be if I were to add one more little bundle of joy to the family.

I do a little home Halloween party for the kids every year, just us. As I was getting things organized for tomorrow, it took me back 10 years when my boys were all I had. We did so many fun things together. I really enjoyed being a mom back then. Not that I don't now, it's just different. My kids are all different ages, like totally different things. Stresses are different. I feel I'm pulled in a billion directions to satisfy myself and them, but I always seem to come up short. Not really accomplishing the goal I had set to begin with.

I feel a lot of sadness with this recent understanding. I always thought I'd have another boy. My boys were so much fun! Don't get me wrong I love my girls to death, but my boys were more fun to raise. Not high maintenance at all, my girls are on the far other end of the spectrum. They need my full attention and if I choose to throw a baby into the mix, they will not be getting the best of me.

It's hard to begin the move toward saying our family is complete, but I'm taking those first steps. Is it weird to call it a grieving period? That's kind of what it feels like. I'm losing the part of me that will feel the little miracle growing inside me, or see a little alien on the ultra-sound screen. Gone are the days of endless feedings, diaper changes, long hours at night, and picking out those tini-tiny out fits. (okay I know it sounds crazy to miss some of those, but I will)

So, wish me luck as I start this new journey. I'm trying to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. But it's hard.

My Thoughts on Perfection...

it's OVERRATED!!

Who cares if the dog came running through the house muddy paws and all from the days snow storm? Does it really matter that you only accomplished one goal set for the day? It's not that bad that you've gained 2 lbs back, it could be all 10! And so what if you were making dessert and accidentally stuck it under the running water. Grab a paper towel and soak up the extra water, that's what they're for.

I feel a lot better when I keep things in perspective. Tomorrow's another day, plenty more to try again!

I Guess Our Life Wasn't Busy Enough...

Last week as we we were getting use to the idea of Dustin graduating and preparing for this change in our lives, Heavenly Father decided to throw another curve ball our way.

We knew that our ward was due for a bishopric change and that it would be coming soon. Dustin was teased that he would be the new bishop, we just laughed it off thinking, "yeah, right!"

Well, we were half right. He isn't the new bishop, but he is now the 2nd counselor. Dustin did say he kind of had an idea that his calling would change, but he thought starting a new job might change things. He was wrong.

After the first initial shock, and a little whining, we have decided this is such a great blessing and protection for Dustin. The environment at work isn't ideal. Yes we live in UT, but unfortunately there is a lot of swearing and crude behavior in this profession. I was worried, and warned at the spouses briefing, this could come home with him. We feel by Dustin having this calling it gives him accountability and a reminder of expectations.

He will be gone A LOT! But I know we will be blessed and watched over. We live in great ward and have so many friends that we can seek help when we need it. It's just another testament to me that He knows us, is aware of us and what we need. It's very comforting!

Officer Merritt

It's official!! Dustin graduated from the academy yesterday, Oct. 21st. We are so excited for him. He is a little nervous to start a whole new career, but I know he'll do fine. Proof? How about this:



He won the Outstanding Achiever's Award for his class. To figure out who would win this award they took all their scores in EVERY category and averaged them out. He won! I'm so proud of him, but not surprised. He always excels at everything he does!

I had a spouse's course (briefing in police talk). It was helpful and informing. They just help you to understand that your spouse will change in their new profession. To be aware and educate us how to help with everything they will be experiencing. I had to laugh when they mentioned our husband's will start wanting to be in control of everything. I thought, huh? Been there done that, still doing it! Guess he was always meant to be a cop.

The kids were so proud too! I can't leave them out. Kate kept informing EVERYBODY how close it was to his graduation. She was the audible countdown. Her teacher said she would let the whole class know and was filled with uncontrollable excitement the day of.

We want to thank everyone who took time out of their busy lives to come support Dustin. So much family and many friends were there. We appreciate all of you!!





He got a little handcuff crazy. The power's already gone to his head!!!







The cake!! Thanks Corderos for making it look good!



This is Dustin's friend, Issac



All the kids shooting their guns





Doesn't he look GREAT!!

Little Steps at a Time

I've been wanting to get caught up on my strides toward a life without fear. However, time is so limited lately, and interruptions are unending. It doesn't quite cooperate with me.

When I decided to take the steps of changing what needs to be changed and becoming who I wanted to be, I recognized that it wouldn't happen over night. I first had to admit to myself and identify my weaknesses. And, of course, I chose to start with those simple daily annoyances, like fruit. I don't know why I chose that first. Maybe the teasing and strange looks I always got when someone found out about my dislike for it? Maybe something deeper.

I, like maybe some of you, have a tendency to let others "take the wheel." I'm pretty laid back and easy going. Happy just to be on this journey, enjoying the scenery, content watching others take opportunities to better themselves. Well, for the first time in EVER, I want to drive!

Fruit is just the tip of the iceberg!

The next thing on my list was to not be scared of creatures. The only animal I'll touch is a dog. Everything else freaks me out.

I wake up every morning at 6 to exercise with my friend. In the summer it was light. All the little worms, bugs, and their kind would be starting their routine as well. I would walk pass the same snail every morning. I could see him before I reached him, so I would make room and hurry by him. We would run/walk for about 40 min. On the way home, I would find this snail still making his way to the grass. They really are slow!

One morning I decided today would be the day I touched him. I reached down and touched his little shell and said, "Good morning, Sir Snail." And ran to meet my partner. On the way back I saw him and said, "You're almost there." I sat and watched him for a moment. Realizing it might be a little strange to see a grown woman watch a snail, I ran inside and grabbed my kids. We had never stopped to watch a snail before. They were still in their PJs, but came out anyway. We watched him for about 20 minutes. He finally made it to the grass.

As we all walked back to the house, a feeling of gratitude swept over me. I was grateful for taking the time to greet one of God's creatures and see it as He would. I was happy to take the extra time and enjoy him with my kids. We were cheering him on and were happy he made it to the grass before it got too hot. I realized critters aren't so bad.

Now I just need to work up to things of a bigger nature!





Of course we took pictures!

Grace's Baptism

Grace was baptized on October 10, 2009. She was so excited. We started getting a countdown at 5 days. She would wake up and say, "Only __ days until I'm baptized." I was happy that she was so excited.

We had many family members in attendance. We missed those who weren't there, but know and understand traveling is hard (been there done that). My mom, grandma, and sisters,Robyn & Lea Ann and her 5 boys, came up from Las Vegas. Dustin's parents, and brother and sisters, Spencer, Wendy, Taryn, and Shandi and their families were there as well. Our friends Matt and Camille were there too and her church leaders!

Grace was so giggly in the font. She said she felt like she was going to float away. She only had to be "dunked" once, she did it perfect. It was neat to be there right after she was baptized. When the boys have done it, Dustin was the one to help them after. It was fun to be the one to help her and talk about her experience. I told her how lucky she was to have been baptized with her friend Courtney. They are only a day apart in age. She said the water was warm. A totally different experience for me, my water was cold!

She was showered with so many gifts! Thank you everyone. She is working on getting the thank you notes out. Just a list for us to remember:

Scriptures- Grandma Taylor
CTR necklace w/ birthstone and book- Grandpa & Grandma
money- Grandma Betty
CTR butterfly necklace- Jeff and Staci
Primary Songbook- Lea Ann & Kyle
Baptism pillowcase- Taryn & Adam
Journal- Wendy
Willow Tree figure- Matt & Camille
Baptism towel- Shauna Passey (primary teacher)

I'm so happy for her decision to get baptized. It really was her decision! She was so excited and couldn't wait to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! We love you Grace!





We have more pictures, but they are on Dustin's phone. I'll have to add them later. These were after she was baptized.

The Secret Ingredient

Today I was making brownies for the kids. They always like to help, so I let them. This time Kate and Bec were helping me. I had put everything in and Kate whispered, "Mom, what's the secret ingredient?"

I asked, "Oh, do we need one?" She nodded her head yes. So I thought for a moment and said, "Love. Love is our secret ingredient. I'm going to put some in." I started blowing kisses into the batter and said, "Would you each like to add some love to our brownies?" They giggled with excitement and began blowing kisses too.

We poured the batter into the pan and Kate said, "Mom, this is our secret. We can't let anyone know that we put love into the brownies, okay?" I agreed. I wouldn't dare spoil that surprise! I'm sure they'll be the BEST brownies ever!

FYI

Just thought you all should know that this:



does NOT equal this:



I have started another change in my life. Three weeks ago I started the HCG hormoane diet. I am almost done. I think it went really well. I had a goal to lose 15 pounds, but in the end only lost 10. I was a little bummed. I plan to work real hard and get the other 20 off.

It did instill some good habits for me. I don't eat past six and don't crave much junk anymore ( Is till crave Doritos though, melba toast just ain't cuttin' it). I didn't exercise while on this diet, so I need to get back into the habit. I was running at 6 in the morning and plan to start back up on Monday.

This was a hard change for me. I love food! Well, junk food anyway. I will say I learned that when I get stressed, I turn to my pantry for what can give me those instant "feel goods." I'm working at turning my attention to something else in moments of crisis. I'm getting better at relaxing and just really thinking about what I'm really doing, being conciuos of my choices.

I still have 2/3 of the way to go, but I'm excited for the challenge. I can almost smell the ocean from the cruiseliner.

Thoughts on Fear, Change, and New Adventures

Lately, my brain has been swirling around a few things. One has been fear.

I've been thinking of the consequences in allowing our fears to hold us back from the one thing we need the most to become better: CHANGE. This part of life is where I feel we learn the most and stretch ourselves to become better. I believe change, if good, is always beneficial.

I have been focusing on one little thing at a time, changing something in my life that needs changing. The first item on my checklist you might find a little bizarre. FRUIT. I have decided to overcome my fear of fruit. Ever since I was a little girl I have had this strange dislike for the food that comes from trees. I'm not fond of their textures and to be honest many of the flavors.

I started this in the summer. It started with one little grape. Dustin inspected it to make sure it would be a good one. I had a small gathering to witness this event in my life. My friends Camille and Maria were there, along with my husband and children. I popped the purple thing in my mouth. I squeezed it between my teeth and felt a little pop, then juice. I had a hard time getting it down. I guess it showed on my face because everybody was laughing. I got it down though!

Verdict? I am not a fan of the grape. In my opinion it tastes nothing like a grape sucker. If I want to enjoy something grape, it will be a glass of Kool-aid, grape soda, or a grape dum-dum. I will not be picking the actual fruit.



*Here is the little grape I ate. We took pictures of this occasion.

I wanted to start a new blog that follows my adventures in change, but time right now does not allow that. So, I will just try to update you on those things I have been able to accomplish. Since deciding this in June, I have eaten pineapple and apples. They are not too bad. I liked the pineapple most. If I ever ended up stranded on a deserted island and it was abundant in pineapples, I"m happy to say that I would not die of starvation. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about grapes.

I'm excited to start this new adventure in my life. I want to be able to say that I always tried my best and didn't let fear hold me back from trying anything. I want to set a good example for my kids too. Fear can be paralyzing and I don't want to live life like that.

I Need Time to Pause, Just for a Moment

I can't believe this month is over! It flew by. I realized this when I pulled out my Ensign to go visiting teaching yesterday. (yeah I waited to the last minute, I know) I hadn't even opened it. It was so new and pretty. I usually do really well to at least read a few articles out of it, but this month only the VT message.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, after all we did celebrate 3 birthdays this month. CRAZY! Aaron turned 10 on the 2nd, Becca was 4 on the 13th, and Grace 8 on the 18th. I will have to post some birthday pictures.

It's not fair that they grow up so quickly. We pulled out the home videos to put them onto DVDs and I couldn't believe how little my kids were. You don't realize it when you see them everyday of their life. It made me really sad! They need to be little again so I can enjoy it more. I was so busy living life, I didn't take a minute to relax and savor those little moments. They way they eat, laugh, and talk. To hear Ryan talk when he was 4 was exciting. I guess I can look at the bright side and be thankful I have the moments on DVD. I told Dustin I like it better than pictures because you can relive the moment exactly the way it happened.

I'm going to try, try to pause and remember them this age. It goes by so fast!!

(this is where I would usually find some cute pictures and download them to my computer, but I really don't have the time right now. I know, I know)