For the longest time I have been dropping hints to my significant other that I want a baby. For some reason he has ignored them or just flat out told me no. This has always left me a little perturbed. Why? Why can't we have another baby? It's not like it will impact us that much. Once you have three, you can have 12, right?
I realized today I can't have any more kids. Not because I physically can't, but emotionally I think I may not survive. I won't be the mom I want to be if I were to add one more little bundle of joy to the family.
I do a little home Halloween party for the kids every year, just us. As I was getting things organized for tomorrow, it took me back 10 years when my boys were all I had. We did so many fun things together. I really enjoyed being a mom back then. Not that I don't now, it's just different. My kids are all different ages, like totally different things. Stresses are different. I feel I'm pulled in a billion directions to satisfy myself and them, but I always seem to come up short. Not really accomplishing the goal I had set to begin with.
I feel a lot of sadness with this recent understanding. I always thought I'd have another boy. My boys were so much fun! Don't get me wrong I love my girls to death, but my boys were more fun to raise. Not high maintenance at all, my girls are on the far other end of the spectrum. They need my full attention and if I choose to throw a baby into the mix, they will not be getting the best of me.
It's hard to begin the move toward saying our family is complete, but I'm taking those first steps. Is it weird to call it a grieving period? That's kind of what it feels like. I'm losing the part of me that will feel the little miracle growing inside me, or see a little alien on the ultra-sound screen. Gone are the days of endless feedings, diaper changes, long hours at night, and picking out those tini-tiny out fits. (okay I know it sounds crazy to miss some of those, but I will)
So, wish me luck as I start this new journey. I'm trying to focus on what I have instead of what I don't. But it's hard.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Emerging from Denial
Posted by Larae Taylor Merritt at 12:19 PM
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5 comments:
My friend just wrote about this same topic. I'm sure it's a hard place to be in. But also one of looking forward huh?? Good luck. ;)
I totally agree with you about not being the "mom" I've always hoped of being. But I know that is a learning process in its self. At least you have 2 boys...I have always wanted a brother for Boss. So, any time you want to change a diaper or have a "middle of the night feeding", just say the word. Not that I am pregnant...but I do know I want one more...only one!!!
I feel your pain. I think there is a part of every woman that isn't quite ready to move on to that next phase of life without thinking about when the next baby may come. Our whole lives(for me anyway) we dream of being a mom, with a newborn. I never thought about what life would be like without having babies around. Does that mean we are getting old? Ugh, I really struggle with it A LOT!!!!!
Jayleen, I think that might be part of my problem. I THINK i'm still the same age when i got married, but maybe in reality I'm realizing I'm not so young any more!
Camille, I'll take you on your offer! With a bottel anyway!
Julie, is your friend around my age? I'm just wondering if fit has to do with age!
Hey Larae come visit me anytime after January and I'll let you get your baby fix with a little boy in. And you can totally buy all the little clothes you want and send them my way. :-)
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